My Dangerous Beauty

(another man Stuart Davis, who is endeavouring to stay and being awake)

there was a good deal of promiscuity, but the thing that i think gets left out or goes unknown is that i went to great pains to behave in a manner that i felt was ethical. ethics, of course, are the rules of good conduct observed (or not) in any of potentially innumerable “WE” relationships. ethics are the ways we agree (or not) to behave in relationship, that could mean a marriage, a relationship, a culture, a religious system - but basically any social system with intersubjective dynamics, numbering from two people up to six billion. there are countless modes and types of ethics. what is Ethical for a one person might be unethical to another. for instance, to some Christian radical conservatives, using stem cells to conduct research is a violation of the sanctity of life, and is tantamount to abortion, or even murder. in THAT social system, it’s unethical. from MY perspective, howver, which is shared by a community of people as well, NOT performing stem cell research, or preventing the stem cell research is highly unethical, and is tantamount to increasing suffering of innocent people (those stricken with the afflictions that could be remedied by stem cell research), and condemning countless thousands to death and disease. it is possible for each of us to live according to diametrically opposed perspectives, and for both of us to be completely ethical (within our respective communities).

and back when i was sleeping with so many people, i wanted very much to be ethical. so, i went to great pains to be totally honest, open, and transparent with everyone i slept with. i didn’t sneak around, i didn’t lie to girls or women about my availability, interest in relationship, my sexual history - i made every effore to be totally up front. so, before we got into it physically, we always had “the talk”. i would answer any questions they had, and i would ask them all sorts of questions to make sure they weren’t being mislead, deceived, or manipulated in any way. the talk varied depending on the girl and the situation, but the standard points i always wanted to make unmistakably clear were; 1, sleeping together was not an indication in any way that i would be available for a romantic relationship, or any kind of regular contact 2, i was not going to use a condom, and i had slept with lots of other people, the last time i had been tested was on such and such date, and the results were yadda yadda 3, i would be seeing other people.

now, as fucked up as it may sound to some, this was my sincere attempt to remain in integrity with myself, the other person, and most importantly, the Dharma. i felt that if i wasn’t being manipulative, and i was straight with everyone, it would still be ethical for me to have sex with as many people as i wanted to. so why did i stop having sex with women? why did i stop with the promiscuity even before i was with my wife?

because it wasn’t ethical.

the problem, in my view, is the Dharma. the ultimate ethical fact, according to my interpretation of being a practitioner, or for that matter a human, is that the PRIME directive of being is to awaken for the sake of all beings. in the loosest sense, what is ethical is that which cultivates, supports, or increases awakened consciousness in self, others, and the Whole. Ethics is the code of conduct which a practitioner in Mystery must observe in order to serve Love, which is synonymous with Awakened awareness, or that which simply IS the Reality behind the appearances.

and it was only too obvious that running through some fucking check list with women i wanted to fuck was my ego’s way of utilizing a Loop Hole in the Karmic / Kosmic Ethical Code for practitioners. nice try, stu. but, the FACT OF FUCK is simply that EVEN when you run down the check list with people, and you’re totally honest, and they know and fully realize what they’re getting into, and they confirm their full cognizance to all the details, absolving you of any potential karma, blame, or wrong doing… IT DOESN’T MATTER, you are only having a conversation with their frontal structure, you are only making an agreement with the intellectual, cerebral part of the personality, and it DOESN’T KNOW SHIT. it will lie to you, agreee with you, and make incredible convincing overtures of every imaginable kind in order to enact the impulses of its sad, somnambulant karma.

like or not, an authentic practioner in the Mystery (notice i did not say “perfected practitioner” or “fullly realized practitioner”, cuz i wasn’t, and i’m not, but i am authentic simply in that i know my own heart, it is sincere and i do attempt to live in concordance with the codes of the Mystery) is automatically aware of not only what is going on the in personality of the person as they are shaking their head and saying “yes, yes, that all sounds good, i agree, now let’s fuck our brains out”, but you also get a reading what is going on their heart, their soul, and all the deeper dimensions of their being.

you see, my hope was, that if i had this disclaimer conversation with people i wanted to sleep with, they would be advised, informed, and the fuck session would be “sanctioned” by the Mystery, so to speak. it could even be illumed. but, sadly, what happens is that 99% -and i’m not just making that up, i’d say it’s actually 99% in my experience- of the people you’re getting ready to have sex with are only able to respond with their head, and their head is a traitor to their heart, soul, and higher self. maybe 1% of the people in my experience were actually in a place where they had command of their heart, soul, and were inhabiting their higher self, and their agreement pertaining to the sex was coming from ALL of those places. everyone else was being dragged around by their deep wounding, their pathologies, their unconscious, their denial of Divinity, etc. of course I WAS as much or more than anyone, cuz i was actually trying to manipulate the Mystery and the relationship by using this loop hole of no manipulation.

what is it to work in the Mystery? to serve the awakening of all sentient beings.

you can’t simultaneously fuck someone who’s unconscious, broken, damanged, lost (and THOSE are the people who are also most confident, engaging, charismatic, and brilliantly convincing that they ARE ready to show up this way) and also serve their awakening. i’m sorry -literally, i AM sorry, cuz wouldn’t it be fun if we could just fuck fuck fuck and it was all cool? the 60’s love flower bonanza? but, alas, if our Ethical Code is really the Dharma, or the Mystery, or Divine Love (same things), then we have to figure out a way to deal with the incredibly compelling drives and incliniations of our body, mind, and emotions in a way doesn’t suppress or deny them, but doesn’t hurt other people, or worse, inhibit their awakening.

this is the problem that i’ve long had with more sexually oriented spiritual teachers (those who fuck their students or get their students fucking), and it’s just a hunch developed from my own direct experience in Ethics, etc. it’s just exceedingly rare to find people who are awake enough or healthy enough to play in that arena and not have it fuck them up. and frankly, i am always, always suspicious of the teacher’s true motivations.

let me get back to my point. was it fun for “me” to have sex with three girls at the same time? yes. was it in the highest interest of each of them and me? no. it wasn’t. does that make me evil? no. unethical? ultimately, let’s just say i decided it would be better to be MORE ethical.

this really depressed me when it sunk in. i realized the party was over, in my heart and soul i knew i could not continue bopping chicks AND become an authentic practitioner. so i stopped. but then the depression gave way to joy, freedom, release, transparency, and ultimately and opportunity to move into new sorts of challenges and miracles, and if i hadn’t surrendered it never would have happened. any of you who read this blog or have listened to my music, etc, know that i really dig dirty, twisted, fucked up stuff. my sense of humor, art, and culture tend to celebrate the gutter and the heavens equally, and i do not wanna seem puritanical here at all- truly. if my wife and i can find someone to have sex with us in a 3-way and that person is awake enough, and we’re all engaging from a clear enough space, and the set and setting are right, so to speak, then cool- THAT’S ETHICAL. that could happen. you never know.

but, i just don’t think that’s the gig in the Dharma very often at all. mostly we get pulled around by the white noise of our mind, the hallucinations of our emotions, the phantoms of our desperate, clutching ego which endlessly reinvents itself and hijacks scenario after scenario, undetected.

i don’t regret any of my previous sex life, and i do not want to tell anyone what to do, who to do, or who to do them. one thing i know is that i had to go through what i went through and i had to do it the way i did. i NEVER could have taken someone’s word for it, i had to learn the lessons, re-learn them, test them again, and it took years. i’m truly sorry for those who got hurt in any way on my clumsy, turbulent process. i’m still on that path, learning now with a wife, daughter, spiritual teacher, and a community of friends in the Mystery that i depend upon desperately to help me surrender and remain loyal to the ~?~.

The full blog article by Stuart Davis. (the whole article is excellent)

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I sat with another girlfriend yesterday, who has been through some really hard weeks. Her ex-lover and his new ‘perfect woman’ girlfriend are holidaying in the same place.  The romantic dinners and hand holding shoved in her face, there was no way to escape. Talk about a way to ruin her christmas holidays.

It had been a long drawn out relationship - she was never good enough for him.  He wanted ‘Miss Elusive’ rather than the real woman willing to stand in front of him and love him, deeply passionately, fully.

Their relationship had hit a bottoming out about 12 months ago, and after his retreat into his cave, as he had been  found out. She kept reaching in and taking the conversation deeper, their hearts revealing themselves to each other with all their thorniness and habits of less than noble behaviour. A level of intimacy and depth was created between both of them, that they both came to value. That level of relationship a rare-ity, but both their hearts had been deeply touched.

And then along came the ‘perfect woman’ - a woman that made him want to be a better man apparently - to completely change his ways.

He left….

But he didn’t ….. he hangs around. My dear friend has something that he needs and wants and he cant get it from the new her.

It is hard to amputate something that you love.

But while she remains in contact and relationship with him, he never gets to learn about the choice he made. You cant have ‘Miss Perfect’ and the woman who absolutley meets your heart  but that you aren’t that into.

It’s not time for my friend to be in contact with this man, and I hope that she finds a way to separate herself, because everytime she connects with him, she re-wounds herself.  He was the deepest man she had been with, he was her him-shaped void if you like, her heart and her yoni are shaped like him.

I know these days that she has learnt a valuable lesson, mostly in showing her emotions to her children. This is especially important as her boys reached young adult. Her young men need to know how a woman’s heart and body works. 

I nailed her feet to the floor about 10 days ago, the running away she was constantly doing was so extremely painful, and she needed to be witnessed in her grief and distress.

She aches to be claimed by this man, and he isn’t going to do that. She aches to be held and deeply loved by him.

His inability to go all the way, is intolerable. And he doesn’t get to sample intimacy and depth of heart and then go back to who he is more sexual attracted to.

Women do this all the time, I know I have done it too.

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